Thursday, May 28, 2015
Grief is love.
In surrendering to mourning we see that death is an illusion. There are no veils between us - there is no separation between realities or between the body and spirit, they flow into and through one another. The universe is one big inhale and exhale. Through surrender, emotions purge through our hearts and break down barriers we built - we break open raw to once again allow LOVE to fill us, breathe us, over flow us; until we remember we are already home.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
"TEAR OF THE MASK, YOUR FACE IS GLORIOUS!" -rumi
I'm tired of un-truth's being held as truths. I'm tired of the pervading un-truth that anyone is above or below anyone else. I'm tired of masks. I'm tired of limiting life draining gender roles. I'm tired of imbalanced relationships. I'm tired holding myself to anything just because someone else told me to or because it's 'normal'. I'm tired of silencing myself to let someone else stay comfortable. I'm tired of containing what could be judged. I'm tired of fakeness, falseness and half-living. I'm enough, you're enough, everyone is not just enough, we are all magnificent beautiful beings of light and it's time we KNOW IT. Let's shed the skin of pretending to be anything less than amazing. There is NO WAY that you're not amazing because we're all born of the same LIGHT. I am, you are! Come out, speak from your heart, be who you are, you are needed. What once was anger is fire for change. Stop holding yourself back out of fear and just GO. I am fire. I have a mission to help heal humanity from un-truths, join me. Talking to myself, talking to my heart, higher self is talking to me, talking to you.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
I like being in process
I'm painting my apartment. My furniture's all pulled to the center of my space, I'm eating my meals on the couch, using a chair as a table. I like being in process. I like sitting here being exactly where I am, partially figured out. Always in process of learning the current lesson, resting in the moment and being the joy in my heart. I have a lot of journals and pages full of notes along the way on this self-transformation journey and it's fun. I like following the energy of the moment. I like laughing at the plan I thought I would have today and watching as something completely different transpires. I like feeling so inspired by an insight that I have to find a pen and paper to write it down. I like allowing the process of an insight going onto paper, turning into a blog post or a yoga sequence or an idea for a class. I like reading something fascinating and then being amazed at how that very subject comes up for my client the next day. I love letting go of worry. I love releasing fear. I love letting my friends in on my internal world. I love the feeling of love flowing through my heart. This love in my heart is home.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
I am whole. you are whole.
My intention as of late has been to heal my illusionary seperateness, to remeber myself to be a whole being. The belief of being separate or 'cut off' from God or source (insert favorite cosmic force name here) comes from believing that we are only our bodies. Such is not true. I went to school and found the universe inside my cells. I can look into my eyes and see my soul looking back, I know that when I think about my mom she feels me in her heart, I know that I can walk barefoot on Mother Earth and feel her supporting me. Spirit is what gives the body life! Each of us are a mysterious merging of soul and matter.
I say my intentions outloud to my spirit guides, or as I like to call them my 'Starry family' and then I watch and experience in amazement as life unfolds perfectly to challenge me and guide me to the perfect books, situations, people, articles for the understandings I seek. It's also super freeing to realize that we learn the most important lessons through contrast. You know what I mean? We think we know what we want and how to get it, then NOPE, that is not happening, in fact perhaps a terrifying thing happens instead., or your least favorite type of conflict. And we feel lost and hopeless for a while, we cry it out. Then on the other side of that tunnel we come out re-born, re-newed and maybe with that spiritual revelation we asked for 3 weeks ago...
I'm reading a book called "Jesus and the lost Goddess" the secret teachings of the original Christians. And it is AWESOME! In the past I've been identified with religion, withdrawn far from it, come around to my own communion directly with spirit, accepted that religion is a helpful way for some people and now understand that ancient mysticism and the teachings of master prophets are identical all around for all of time on planet Earth, or we could probably say through out the universe. The ultimate truth being (as I'm feeling it right now) we all originate from the same Source, we're having lots of rich experience all over the place on different planets and eventually we head back home to Source...and then start the dance all over?!?!? Intention right now: I am whole, I am love. (and so are you!)
I say my intentions outloud to my spirit guides, or as I like to call them my 'Starry family' and then I watch and experience in amazement as life unfolds perfectly to challenge me and guide me to the perfect books, situations, people, articles for the understandings I seek. It's also super freeing to realize that we learn the most important lessons through contrast. You know what I mean? We think we know what we want and how to get it, then NOPE, that is not happening, in fact perhaps a terrifying thing happens instead., or your least favorite type of conflict. And we feel lost and hopeless for a while, we cry it out. Then on the other side of that tunnel we come out re-born, re-newed and maybe with that spiritual revelation we asked for 3 weeks ago...
I'm reading a book called "Jesus and the lost Goddess" the secret teachings of the original Christians. And it is AWESOME! In the past I've been identified with religion, withdrawn far from it, come around to my own communion directly with spirit, accepted that religion is a helpful way for some people and now understand that ancient mysticism and the teachings of master prophets are identical all around for all of time on planet Earth, or we could probably say through out the universe. The ultimate truth being (as I'm feeling it right now) we all originate from the same Source, we're having lots of rich experience all over the place on different planets and eventually we head back home to Source...and then start the dance all over?!?!? Intention right now: I am whole, I am love. (and so are you!)
the human ego
I've had some incredibly freeing experiences from my ego that I want to share with you!
Here goes my first public attempt at unraveling the ego.
We have, as I feel it, 4 main players in this free-yourself-from-ego game.
1. the mystery of where thoughts come from
2. self-destructive and controlling ego maniac
3. interpretation we create based on the thought
4. emotional reaction
1. Where do thoughts come from?
I believe our souls are always trying to heal themselves, and to heal we must feel!!! When we supress or avoid we are not allowing the natural healing process.
Example:
Human feels sad, human cries, healing!
Human feels sad, human implants sadness into large burrito and eats sad burrito, sadness gets stuffed back in. not healing.
On a pure soul level this burrito loving human above has some sadness floating around, probably from long ago, that just needs to be released. Their soul knows this and is attempting to move it through their physical body. This soul knowing of what needs to move through and out is subconscious for most of us. With practice, a peaceful way to handle this could be the human noticing the energy of sadness and saying 'oh here is some sadness, how can I support myself in moving this energy?' I shall hit this pillow and cry. Emotions come up to be cleared, breathe continuously and feel the emotional energy directly until it moves all the way out.
2. This is how I feel thoughts originate. Soul orchestrates 'time to move this sadness out of us!' Human subconsciously feels sadness energy starting to rise up and their ego sends them a thought, "You are weak for feeling sad, you will be judged if you cry"
3. We interpret the thought. Burrito human has an infinite number of choices of how to handle this mean thought. The top choice we've all learned is to believe it and let it become our reality, just keep on believing we can never be sad or we have to hide our sadness. We also have the choice not to believe the thought. The hardest part of this is becoming aware of how deeply identified we are with our thoughts and then DILIGENTLY watching them. Our burrito friend could hear the thought "You are weak for feeling sad, you will be judged if you cry" and say outloud to the thought 'thanks ego for trying to protect me from being judged, but you are wrong. All humans have all of the emotions and this is just some old sadness I need to cry out and release from my being so that I can feel lighter, and I want to feel lighter because I want to feel joy again." In the moment we see the thought and look at it, talk to it, acknowledge it, it looses its power over us and we are present in the moment to choose how to use our energy. When we say "No random mean thought" some joy bubbles up from our hearts because we are feeling worthy of goodness and joy.
4. Lets keep following these two options - a. believing the thought b. not believing the thought.
a. human has a cloud of sadness trying to move through and out of them. they hear the thought that they are weak and will be judged, they choose to believe this and interpret the thought at absolute truth they have an emotional reaction that matches the vibration of the mean thought of lonliness. Now our friend feels lonely.
b. human has a cloud of sadness trying to move through and out of them, they hear the thought that they are weak and will be judged, upon hearing the thought they listen to it and (because they're tired of feeling so lonely) they say to the thought 'No, that is a lie based on past experiences and I don't believe you, I am going to let this sadness energy move through me" human cries for 5 minutes and then feels lighter.
How do I practice this? and does it mean I have to stop eating burritos?
practice:
lay down, perhaps when you're laying in bed before falling asleep, because that is a favorite time for the ego to get a tright grip on us and drive us crazy to not sleep
focus on your breathing, take deep slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth
notice a thought that runs through your mind, notice the interpretation you give it, notice the emotional reaction.
if it makes you feel bad, the thought is a lie. if it makes you feel good, the thought is true. Because our natural state is joy, and we are all worthy of being in our natural state because it's who we are.
Avoid judging yourself during this process, practice just noticing this circuit - energy, thought form, interpretation, emotion.
with time start to imagine it, see it, feel it, this is a circuit of energies moving through you.
When I practice watching this circuit I see it like swoops of light from energies arising, through my brain, to my abdomen, it just spins and spins!
YOU are not defined by any of it. It's all based on past experience or maybe even other peoples stuff that you're picking up on. YOU are the light of consciousness watching this whole crazy process. Free yourself from believing that you are your thoughts, beliefs and emotions, watch them as if you are laying in a hammock in your heart with some popcorn.
And yes you can eat burritos, eat the burrito not as a sadness conduit but because you love that cheesy diliciousness.
Here goes my first public attempt at unraveling the ego.
We have, as I feel it, 4 main players in this free-yourself-from-ego game.
1. the mystery of where thoughts come from
2. self-destructive and controlling ego maniac
3. interpretation we create based on the thought
4. emotional reaction
1. Where do thoughts come from?
I believe our souls are always trying to heal themselves, and to heal we must feel!!! When we supress or avoid we are not allowing the natural healing process.
Example:
Human feels sad, human cries, healing!
Human feels sad, human implants sadness into large burrito and eats sad burrito, sadness gets stuffed back in. not healing.
On a pure soul level this burrito loving human above has some sadness floating around, probably from long ago, that just needs to be released. Their soul knows this and is attempting to move it through their physical body. This soul knowing of what needs to move through and out is subconscious for most of us. With practice, a peaceful way to handle this could be the human noticing the energy of sadness and saying 'oh here is some sadness, how can I support myself in moving this energy?' I shall hit this pillow and cry. Emotions come up to be cleared, breathe continuously and feel the emotional energy directly until it moves all the way out.
2. This is how I feel thoughts originate. Soul orchestrates 'time to move this sadness out of us!' Human subconsciously feels sadness energy starting to rise up and their ego sends them a thought, "You are weak for feeling sad, you will be judged if you cry"
3. We interpret the thought. Burrito human has an infinite number of choices of how to handle this mean thought. The top choice we've all learned is to believe it and let it become our reality, just keep on believing we can never be sad or we have to hide our sadness. We also have the choice not to believe the thought. The hardest part of this is becoming aware of how deeply identified we are with our thoughts and then DILIGENTLY watching them. Our burrito friend could hear the thought "You are weak for feeling sad, you will be judged if you cry" and say outloud to the thought 'thanks ego for trying to protect me from being judged, but you are wrong. All humans have all of the emotions and this is just some old sadness I need to cry out and release from my being so that I can feel lighter, and I want to feel lighter because I want to feel joy again." In the moment we see the thought and look at it, talk to it, acknowledge it, it looses its power over us and we are present in the moment to choose how to use our energy. When we say "No random mean thought" some joy bubbles up from our hearts because we are feeling worthy of goodness and joy.
4. Lets keep following these two options - a. believing the thought b. not believing the thought.
a. human has a cloud of sadness trying to move through and out of them. they hear the thought that they are weak and will be judged, they choose to believe this and interpret the thought at absolute truth they have an emotional reaction that matches the vibration of the mean thought of lonliness. Now our friend feels lonely.
b. human has a cloud of sadness trying to move through and out of them, they hear the thought that they are weak and will be judged, upon hearing the thought they listen to it and (because they're tired of feeling so lonely) they say to the thought 'No, that is a lie based on past experiences and I don't believe you, I am going to let this sadness energy move through me" human cries for 5 minutes and then feels lighter.
How do I practice this? and does it mean I have to stop eating burritos?
practice:
lay down, perhaps when you're laying in bed before falling asleep, because that is a favorite time for the ego to get a tright grip on us and drive us crazy to not sleep
focus on your breathing, take deep slow breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth
notice a thought that runs through your mind, notice the interpretation you give it, notice the emotional reaction.
if it makes you feel bad, the thought is a lie. if it makes you feel good, the thought is true. Because our natural state is joy, and we are all worthy of being in our natural state because it's who we are.
Avoid judging yourself during this process, practice just noticing this circuit - energy, thought form, interpretation, emotion.
with time start to imagine it, see it, feel it, this is a circuit of energies moving through you.
When I practice watching this circuit I see it like swoops of light from energies arising, through my brain, to my abdomen, it just spins and spins!
YOU are not defined by any of it. It's all based on past experience or maybe even other peoples stuff that you're picking up on. YOU are the light of consciousness watching this whole crazy process. Free yourself from believing that you are your thoughts, beliefs and emotions, watch them as if you are laying in a hammock in your heart with some popcorn.
And yes you can eat burritos, eat the burrito not as a sadness conduit but because you love that cheesy diliciousness.
Friday, January 2, 2015
My friend anger
Well it turns out anger has been an enemy of mine. Mostly I would find myself critical of other people when they were very angry. I've slowly, or rather quickly actually, over the last few years, realized I would never let myself be angry. For European descended women anger has not been an ok emotion. Do you know that hysterectomies are still the top surgery performed on women? Do you know that that word 'hysterectomy' originates from a medical diagnosis of 'hysteria'? For women who acted 'unladylike' (passionate, angry, upset etc) a prescribed treatment could have been to remove her uterus to make her calmer. Yeah. So, there is good reason for us to be pissed. The problem is, we hold all of this 'pissed-off-ness' in our bodies, and it makes us sick, specifically in our sexual organs, and it inflames up and then gets labeled other kinds of diseases. on and on the fun goes... Solution: When angry, lets even call it rage, because, well, it is. When it comes up, no matter what the trigger is (life will trigger us to feel our broken hurt selves) rather than attacking the person who triggered you, or pushing it down like I used to, feel into the emotion energetically, what does it feel like? warmth? fire? tingling? Does it make you want to move? to draw? yell? to punch a pillow? do these things safely. I had to basically go berzerk safely throwing tantrums while I unleashed all this emotion from my body over the last couple years.
I was feeling super pissed off earlier today, screaming unpleasant words in my car at pretty much everyone and everything. Sorry humanity, turns out it wasn't about you at all, it's always been me not wanting to feel me. I started talking to my spirit team (I feel we all have a team of spirit help around us) I belligerently asked them for help, I admitted that I had no idea how to process anger and that I was afraid I'd never get through it. Pretty soon after that I got some sound advice to stop resisting it and breath into the anger and honor it. I'd parked my car in the coop parking lot by this point (I'm convinced now that my saturn and coop parking lots are emotional processing sanctuaries) As soon as I started breathing into the anger with a sense of honor I immediately felt my body, the emotional energy itself, turn light and cool. I kept going for a few breaths. I could tell that my problem, or the reason I kept feeling worse and worse, wasn't really what triggered me, but instead it was my own ancient hysterical internalized belief that anger is not ok. Through accepting it I started to feel it as one of my teachers. I realized that what had been angering me showed me what I really cared about and value in life, especially certain people. I can see now that what I CAN do is really honor my friends, family and loved ones, take care of my relationships; tell and show people how much I love them. Anger, it turns out, you're not so bad.
I was feeling super pissed off earlier today, screaming unpleasant words in my car at pretty much everyone and everything. Sorry humanity, turns out it wasn't about you at all, it's always been me not wanting to feel me. I started talking to my spirit team (I feel we all have a team of spirit help around us) I belligerently asked them for help, I admitted that I had no idea how to process anger and that I was afraid I'd never get through it. Pretty soon after that I got some sound advice to stop resisting it and breath into the anger and honor it. I'd parked my car in the coop parking lot by this point (I'm convinced now that my saturn and coop parking lots are emotional processing sanctuaries) As soon as I started breathing into the anger with a sense of honor I immediately felt my body, the emotional energy itself, turn light and cool. I kept going for a few breaths. I could tell that my problem, or the reason I kept feeling worse and worse, wasn't really what triggered me, but instead it was my own ancient hysterical internalized belief that anger is not ok. Through accepting it I started to feel it as one of my teachers. I realized that what had been angering me showed me what I really cared about and value in life, especially certain people. I can see now that what I CAN do is really honor my friends, family and loved ones, take care of my relationships; tell and show people how much I love them. Anger, it turns out, you're not so bad.
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